For What it is Worth
by Diabolical Kitsutora
Summary: Howl's perspective throughout the movie. Howl wonders about the ghost of emotions he feels the moment the silver-haired maiden disappeared from his sight in his youth. These emotions... not even his logical mind can really figure them out.


Howl may have been heartless, but he still felt emotions, after all, he had felt as a child. He had come to consider them residual emotions; emotions he knew and felt, but not ones that were subject to much intensification. The great wizard surmised it was because he still had his mind, and that organ still remembered what it was to feel.

Especially when he was near Calcifer, who held onto his heart. The fire demon had not understood human emotions at first, but when the silver-haired woman had called out to them, disappearing immediately after, Calcifer's quiet words remained with him.

"That woman is important," he told the young, heartless wizard with a wince, Howl's heart thumping painfully within his fiery barrier.

Howl also vaguely remembered Calcifer commenting that humans were insane to be so attached to their hearts. After all the loneliness he had endured over the years, the young wizard was inclined to agree.

Now, thirteen years later, Howl was unsure of whether or not he continued to agree with that sentiment. After years of searching, he had finally found the silver-haired maiden, but she was different. Her hair was long and chocolate brown, and she seemed… his brow creased as he tried to think of the emotion, lost in his thoughts even as they walked through the sky. Even as he smiled at her as he left her on the balcony, he tried to think of the word that described her. Blending into the crowd outside of the bakery, he watched briefly as she scanned the crowd for him.

Sad, she seemed sad and lonely, much like he had been when he was a child. Turning away he led the Witch of the Wastes henchmen away from the maiden of his childhood. After all these years, she had come back into his life and left again so quickly; but he knew they would meet again. She had to find a way into the past in any case, and who else but he, The Great Wizard Howl, could send her back He spent the rest of the day and night evading the Witch of the Waste, now making it back home until the next morning. Upon opening the door, he was greeted with a new family member in the form of an old woman. She stood in front of the heart, bullying Calcifer into cooking.

Immediately he recognized the witches' curse upon the old woman, and as he pressed his shoulder gently into her so he could cook, he noticed a few more things; first, she was the young maiden he had rescued the day before, and two, she was wearing the curse like a mask. Why, he couldn't tell, but he immediately noticed she had the means to revert to a younger visage, even if she couldn't break the curse herself.

That night, Howl's heart thumped painfully within Calcifer when he looked in upon a sleeping Sophie. Sophie, such a beautiful name for a beautiful young (or old) woman. He found that even without his heart, he was captivated and mesmerized by her. She confounded and confused him and he… he what? Standing near the fire demon, he could feel that steady and fast thump, thump, thump, but was unable to process what it could mean.

'That would be terribly uncomfortable to feel in one's chest,' he surmised in his mind one day. The thought still did nothing to clarify what he felt for her though.

Calcifer must have had some idea; after all, he did listen to her even if he protested it was unwillingly. Yet that infernal, infuriating fire would not tell him what it was his heart was feeling.

"Are you joking, Howl? I don't know what this heart of yours feels! I just feel, I don't understand." But he did, Howl knew he did.

It wasn't until Sophie had been in grave danger of being blown to bits that he felt any increase in the intensity of his emotions aside from his tantrums, and when he saved her, his mind knew he felt relief. Still, he also knew he had to protect her at all costs. His heart may not have beat within his chest for 13 years, and he may not have experienced many ranges of emotion in that time, but Sophie was precious and beautiful and he… blast it! What was the name of that which he felt for her?

Without his heart, he could only logically deduce his reactions and actions, but none of what he did anymore made sense!

He was a coward, yet he faced Madame Sulliman.

He wanted to be beautiful, yet he hadn't changed his hair back to blond because she'd told him the shade was even better now.

When she was in danger, he put himself between her and whatever threatened her to keep her safe.

This was not him, not the Howl he had grown up being. Even in his relationships with women, it had been all about him. 'Why can't they see that?' he remembered asking Calcifer once, to which he replied, 'you really are a self-absorbed twit.'

But Howl had seen nothing wrong with how he acted, not until Sophie showed him a different way of being.

She was kind, generous, loving, and stern, she was good in every sense of the word, and he absolutely did not deserve to have her in his family.

Yet she stayed.

Could it be that which women called love?

Was it for this reason that men were willing to imprison themselves with one woman for the rest of their lives?

He contemplated, even as he fought to keep the hat shop safe, but then he felt a tug, a pull in the empty cavity of his chest.

"Sophie," her name fell from motionless lips and he took off. Somehow, somehow she was summoning him, summoning him with her heart! With no regard to himself, he flew off; taking a few hits that badly injured him but did not falter in his pursuit to find her. It did not matter; he had to get to Sophie. He was about halfway to where he could feel the tug in his chest when the summons stopped. His flight did not stop, however, and he pushed his feathered body much harder than it was meant to endure. By the time he reached the spot he had last felt Sophie summoning him, she wasn't there, but his front door, which was opened to a black abyss, was.

She would be back, she had to be.

And then she was, and she was the silver-haired maiden from his youth.

But he was so tired, and he could no longer think. He forgot the maiden of his youth and thought, 'Sophie, she's safe!' and then she kissed him, and a second later he couldn't remember anything but he request to go find Calcifer.

'Calcifer,' he thought, 'will know why I'm so tired.' He had no chance to ask however; as soon as he landed black overtook him. Sweet, blissful darkness.

Before he knew it, there was a warm weight upon his chest, and then he felt something he hadn't for 13 years.

The beating of his heart.

At first he hadn't realized what it was, and even had to ask a silver-haired Sophie where he was and why it felt like there was a weight on his chest.

She then smiled for him, a genuine and beautiful smile, "a hearts a heavy burden."

There was no way she could be wrong, but what he felt from the long lost organ… he would never trade it for what he now was able to feel for Sophie, _his_ Sophie. He hadn't said it, and neither had she, but he knew from the frantic beating of his heart that he loved her, and he could feel in his heart that she loved him too.

Sophie was a wonder! Not only had she broken the curse on him and Calcifer, but she had also broken the curse on the Prince. The Witch of the Waste declared that Sophie was the Prince's true love as well, but this did not deter Howl; Sophie was his and he, The Horrible Howl, The Great Wizard Howl, Howl the man, he belonged whole heartedly to her. Every inch.

Eventually Howl recovered enough strength to stand and then enough to help the Prince move everyone up to the top of the cliff they'd fallen from. They bid their fair wells to him and watched as he hopped away on that stick of his. Smiling the first deeply genuine smile in a long time, Howl wrapped his arm around Sophie's waist, nerves overtaking him when he felt her gentle warmth beneath his fingertips. They disappeared and he relaxed however when she leaned into him, a content sigh falling from her lips.

After the Prince left, Calcifer returned. Howl told him he needn't have returned, but his tone was so happy it was obvious he already missed his demon. It was just as well, Sophie and he was sure Markl and the Witch of the Waste missed him as well. Calcifer admitted he had kind of missed them too, but tacked on, "and it looks like it's gonna rain…" The reason didn't matter, however. For the first time in his life, he wasn't alone; he had a family and a heart to appreciate it.

As the first raindrop fell onto Sophie's nose, (causing a rather adorable squeak,) the group made their way along the peak, back to the castle. By the time they reached the heaping pile of jump that was the leftovers of Howl's old castle, said wizard hummed deeply.

"This won't do," he said, "we can't live in a trash heap." Pulling a piece of chalk from his pocket, he drew an array on a flat piece of metal that was sticking out of the heap. "Calcifer old friend, care to help me out?"

"I'm not gonna be stuck to this place, heating your water and moving it, am I?"

Howl couldn't help the boisterous laugh that bubbled up from his chest, "of course not. You will be free to come and go as you please."

This pleased the demon and he floated over to Howl's open and waiting palm.

Together they recreated the moving castle into something even greater. Now, not only could it walk, but it had a pair of powerful wings and a propeller to allow flight. Markl and Sophie gasped in excitement, the Witch, (who was holding onto Heen,) only replied, 'what a handsome couple.'

Opening the door, Markl ran in and began exploring, exclaiming occasionally, "Master Howl, this is incredible!"

Sophie filed in after him and couldn't contain the happy smile on her face. She too explored and was happy to see the hearth was outside under an awning so Calcifer could enjoy the weather while he rested there.

"How, it's gorgeous."

"What if it rains?" Calcifer huffed.

Following Sophie like a puppy, he laughed, "there's a spell on the hearth to repel rain and snow. I didn't think you'd need it for wind."

Calcifer snorted, "I can take on whatever measly winds the wastes throw at me."

All was well in the Jenkins/Pendragon household. Howl was still Howl, but now with a heart and more concerned for those under his roof. If ever he got too out of line (as he often did,) Sophie was there to scold and straighten him out. Despite the remaining trials, however, the little family was happy.

Still practicing magic, Markl often found time to play with Heen in their little courtyard, and the Witch often sat in front of the hearth, dozing off or watching over Markl.

As for Sophie and Howl, they could often be seen on the balcony over-looking the vast towns and plains they passed over. They stood there now; Sophie leaning against the railing in a pretty yellow dress and white hat with a black ribbon Howl bought for her. Howl himself contoured her body with his own, one hand on the rail supporting his body as he stood close to his woman, his pale red tunic waving in the wind.

Sophie looked up at him, eyes full of love and he couldn't help but lean down and capture her lips in a tender kiss. Their lives from now on would be far from easy and stress free, but now that he had a heart that could love, he knew they could overcome anything.

Hearts were certainly a heavy burden, but they weren't without their rewards.

Howl now understood this, and was determined to appreciate it for what it was worth.


End file.
